You are the one
by g-na-1358
Summary: Eren started school again after dropping out but it's not so easy. Luckily, Levi is always there for him. (mentions of self-harm and depression)


**A/N:** In the same verse as You will always be my- and Angel.

Title from Epik High's One.

* * *

It's been a few weeks since I started school again. I knew that after dropping out I couldn't just do nothing, forcing my parents to pay all my bills and Levi and Mikasa to take care of me while I drown in guilt which only gets worse each day. But these days it's not easy to get a decent paying job without a degree – actually you have to either be really fucking good or really fucking lucky; preferably both.

So I told Levi I want to return to school and he helped me to look into what courses and majors the uni offered and we managed to find a major that I was even actually kind off interested in for a change. I applied, by some miracle barely managed to pass the entrance exam and started attending school once again. Can't say it's been easy though.

The anxiety, depression, feelings of guilt and all that didn't just magically disappear – in fact I have a feeling it's just gotten worse. At least the anxiety has. Sure it was to be expected, with all the new stress and paralyzing pressure of "I can't drop out again," but that doesn't mean it was any easier to deal with.

Good days did occasionally appear but I still mostly had only bad days and _bad_ days. Today wasn't a bad day. And it sure as hell wasn't a good one either.

I didn't feel like dealing with Mikasa so I went and made use of the spare key Levi gave me and let myself into his shared apartment. I knew that since it was Friday, Hanji wasn't likely to be there, either in the labs working until morning or out drinking until morning.

So I made myself comfortable. I strode straight over to Hanji's stereo, plugged my iPod in and played the most feel-good music I had in there, dropped my bag right there and went to throw myself on the couch.

Then I just laid there for a long time, staring into space, contemplating my shitty personality and shitty life choices. Also fighting with myself whether it's a good idea just inviting myself over. I should probably just leave. Levi would be bothered. It didn't matter I was supposed to come over tomorrow anyway. It didn't matter he gave a key, saying to "come whenever, even at fucking 3 in the fucking morning, I don't give single shit." I was pretty sure he wouldn't be elated to just randomly see me here while no one else was here, with no heads up, without asking, in this state, abusing his roommate's stereo, with the prospect of having to take care of me until I'm capable of surviving on my own.

Shit, what was I thinking?

I sat up, readying myself to disappear and not leave a trace that I was even here, maybe hiding myself in a Starbucks for a few hours instead before going home or something. No one had to know.

However, before I could even get up, it was already too late. I could hear a key turning in the lock, followed by a surprised sound when the door opened unexpectedly.

"Eren? Are you in here?" Levi sounded suspicious yet curious.

"No, my iPod magically appeared here and started playing by itself," I replied, my voice dripping in sarcasm and venom. God, why did I have to be like this right off the bat?

I flopped back down since my plan of a quiet escape fell through.

Levi turned the corner a second later with a concerned frown on his face. "What happened?"

I just shook my head, not trusting myself to not snap at him again because honestly, that was the last thing I wanted. But it was the thing most likely to happen as well.

God, I hated myself.

"Bad day?" Levi asked as he walked over to the couch and sat down in the little space available next to me as I refused to move over. I just wanted him to shut up and leave me _alone_. But I didn't want him to _leave_ _me_ alone. I wanted him to hug me and cuddle me and tell me everything was going to be alright. But I hated the idea. I _needed it._

The vicious circle of "I want this but I don't deserve this so go away" repeated itself over and over in my head, only pushing my irritation a level higher than before.

Levi went to touch me, probably stroke my hair or face, but I slapped his hand away. I couldn't deal with him, with how kind and loving he was to me. Why? I didn't deserve it.

"Please, just leave me alone," I growled, trying hard to keep my voice level and my tears, which threatened to spill with the prospect of physical contact, at bay.

My boyfriend sat there for a moment, staring at my face with a pained expression. My heart broke at the sight. It was me who put that look there. Why did I keep doing this? I hated myself more with every passing second.

Then he just got up without saying a word and suddenly I couldn't hold the tears back. Where did he go? Why did he listen to me? Couldn't he see I was just holding myself back, that I really wanted him to take me into his arms and never let go? Why did I feel so cold and empty and broken now that he's gone?

I threw my arm over my eyes in a vain attempt to hide away from the world. I wanted to disappear as I heard Levi go to the kitchen to boil some water and then disappear into his room, not saying a word the whole time.

As I listened to the sounds the kettle made I tried to think of a way to make this right. To make _me_ right. I couldn't think of anything. I was broken. A failed experiment. Doomed to be tossed away and abandoned because it was not worth the effort put into it. Because it was being difficult for no reason.

I couldn't suppress the tears no matter how hard I tried now, especially not when the kettle announce it was done and Levi emerged from his room to make his tea only to leave again.

I fumbled blindly for my phone looking to distract myself but nothing could hold my attention. No app, no website. Nothing.

Only one thing caught my eye and it wasn't the phone. The sleeve on my left arm moved down, shoving more of the marred skin under it. The scares sang to me. I promised Levi a few months ago I would stop hurting myself but the urge was always there and it most likely wasn't going away anytime soon. I have to admit I couldn't keep my promise 100% and Levi understood. Always comforted me after he found out – and he always did, did regular checks on me, looking for any signs of fresh cuts. Now I really felt like breaking the promise once again.

I broke away from my daze only when Levi unexpectedly left his room again. I jumped a little when I heard the door close rather loudly, and quickly pulled my sweater back up so my arm and even wrist was wholly covered. Even though I wasn't sure he would care right now. I was sure he was angry. He probably wouldn't give a single shit right now.

I was surprised once again when instead of heading to the bathroom or the kitchen like I expected, Levi passed by the couch, standing next to the coffee table and picking up the remote, turning on the TV. I watched with wide eyes as he muted it before stalking over to it, to – I assume – stick his flash disk into one of the slots on the back. Then he turned back around and left again.

To say I was confused would be an understatement.

I stared at the silent screen in complete puzzlement until something soft and heavy fell on top of me and I yelped in further surprise. After fumbling a little I realized it was a thick blanket and several pillows that I was now buried under.

...What?

"What are you doing, you brat? Move over a little so I can sit down, too."

I stared up at him, and he stared back, seemingly not noticing the tears still wet on my face. Instead he sighed and deposited the tray that was now in his hands on the coffee table.

Before I could fully register what was going on, my vision was obscured with a swirl of color as Levi started arranging the pillows into a make-shift nest (the pillows _had to_ belong to Hanji, the patterns and color combinations _weren't_ normal). When he was satisfied, he grabbed the still-too-stunned-to-move me by the shoulders and pulled me up slightly, slipping under me and positioning me back down so that my head was comfortably on his lap. Finally satisfied with our position he grabbed the blanket and threw it over me before picking up the remote again and accessing the menu.

I was just slowly beginning to process what was going on but I already felt the tears coming back up. God, I loved this man so fucking much.

I barely registered he pressed play on the first episode of the anime we were planning to watch together this weekend when he thrust a bowl of mint chocolate-chip ice cream (that was kept in this apartment solely because of me) in my face and pointed at the table where two steaming mugs of tea were standing proudly. I couldn't make a sound, and even if I could, I was pretty sure all that would come out would be a pathetic sob. I just buried myself deeper into Mr. Perfect Boyfriend's lap and hoped he got the message. Judging from how gentle the hand that came down to slowly thread through my hair was, I guessed he did.

We didn't say anything even after that. We just ate out ice cream, drank our tea and watched the anime in complete silence, which was uncharacteristic of us as we both loved to make snide remarks about what we were watching regardless of if it was trash or if we actually liked it. There was always something to comment on or make fun of.

It was only about halfway through the third episode when I finally broke the silence in a whisper, "I'm so sorry."

Levi's hand still lying buried in my hair stiffened before he relaxed and resumed his forgotten petting. "There's no need to be sorry. There's too much stuff going on all at once for you right now and it's my job as your boyfriend to help you make it through."

I didn't say anything. Just continued staring blankly at the TV. (I didn't absorb a single thing from what we were watching since it started. I was sure we would have to watch it again tomorrow to at least know what it was about.)

I more felt than heard Levi sigh deeply and I cringed internally. Why do I keep giving him more trouble?

"Eren, love," he started gently. "I'm pretty sure you didn't get this bad out of nowhere. You know you can talk to me. And call me or text me any time, right? When anything happens, when you need to talk something out, or just to complain about shitty dumb classmates. It really doesn't matter, I don't mind. I _want_ you to. I want to help you as much as I can so just do it when you feel the need to. I will do the same. I will call you whenever _I_ need to talk to someone. Just... don't pretend you're okay until you can't take it anymore. I'm here for you so please rely on me a little, yeah?"

I felt like crying again. I rolled over, burying my face in his stomach, wrapping my arms around him and squeezing hard. "I love you," I mumbled. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you _so fucking much_."

I could hear the smile in his voice when he echoed the words back to me.

* * *

 **A/N:** I was supposed to be writing a new chapter of A Little Bundle of Drama but this happened instead... :/

God, I feel sorry for Levi; he has a hard life in this AU, how does he manage? Bet he vents to Hanji when he gets drunk.

My (barely alive) tumblr: chenziee . tumblr . com


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